Secret guilt

We went to see the film 'It's Complicated" this week. It was OK, probably more of a female story, but some nice little touches of humour especially from one of the supporting youngsters. The male lead had wandered during marriage, divorced set up with the much younger model, who turned out to be a bitch and started an affair with his ex wife. Enough of the story.

I had the guilty secrets as it reminded me of my early married life and how I did just as Alec Baldwin did but without the divorce. However we are still married after 45 years, but I have been a poor husband from a loyalty point of view. The angel that is my wife has heard me confess to countless dalliances and one serious affair.

So whenever the subject rises on film or TV, I have a slightly uncomfortable inner tremor, knowing my wife will be thinking the same thoughts and memories, which all finished in the early 80s. My affair wasn't with a younger model, but she was one glamorous lady, the same age as my wife. She turned heads whenever she walked into any company and the amazing thing was that she pulled me and I'm no oil painting. See? Personality and a nice smile can win.

My ego was at max level for several years with her. A totally clandestine arrangement and of course I got too casual about it and got caught out - just before Christmas as it happened.

Enough.

But those secrets and memories flood back at the slightest prompt.

Apathy, depression and no muse

All together or individually they don't add up to writing or painting, hence my lack of blogging, just when I was getting going. 'Cos I am not allowed to drive, madam is chauferring me everywhere which is fine, but she sure is stacking up the brownie points for my return to the wheel in about a months time.

Christmas day and night at my daughter's was special, then on to friends at Romsey for Boxing Day. I chilled out in their lovely home with TMS on the radio, the papers and Kempton Park races on the telly, while the five others went for a w nter walk in the New Forest, just getting back to the car before the rain started. We stayed the night and enjoyed a great supper.

My nephew hosted a party on Monday and on the Tuesday we were guests at my wealthy painting pal's gorgeous home. He has been unwell too and instead of having the usual house full of about 50 guests there was about 20 or so (those who called up to ask how he was). It was lovely. Chili, wines, Stilton and vintage port.

I have started a new painting, part of the double commission mentioned previously. I will show you some progress when worth seeing. Also a book illustration job, started early last year has revived from the author's dormant state so that must be revitalised. It's pen and ink and virtually finished - just wanting the rough edges removed.